Holly sighs. “Do you mean you like the nostalgia of your teen crush?”
“The crush died at the end of law school. This isn’t based on the past, Holls. I like him, who he is as a person, the things that make him who he is, the guy who calls me up on a Friday night for Aisle of Red advice and then walks around with a box of incontinence products because he doesn’t know any better. The guy who sends me flowers and funky pens because he knows I like them. He’s different.” Our appetizers arrive and we once again wait for the server to leave before we resume the conversation. “I know it’s a complicated situation,” I admit. “Does his sister know there’s something going on between you two?” I shake my head. “Of course not.” “So she thinks you’re friends? Kailyn, this isn’t just about liking some guy who’s good in the sack. He comes with baggage, the heavy kind.” “I know that.” “He’s suffered a huge trauma. You can’t walk into this without weighing all of the consequences.” “I know that, too.” “Do you? Because it doesn’t seem like you’re considering very carefully what the fallout of this could be. Are you prepared to be a mother to a thirteen-year-old? Because that’s exactly what you’re signing on for with this.” Each point she makes feels like a stab of reality I don’t want to acknowledge. “I can’t replace Emme’s mother.” “No, you can’t, but she’s going to be looking for someone to fill that role, and that’s exactly what you’ll be to her by getting involved with Dax. You’re not even thirty, and you’ll be taking on an orphaned teenager. It’s not an easy road. You know this, Kay.” “Believe me, I get it better than anyone else. It’s why we’re keeping it just between me and Dax for now.” “Come on, Kay. It goes way beyond that, doesn’t it? How long is the secrecy going to last? I get that you like this guy, but he’s grieving, too. I’m worried about who’s going to end up hurt in all of this. Does he even know why you’re pushing to get him to come to your firm? How’s he going to feel if he makes the switch and all of a sudden you make partner?” I press my fingers to my lips, my panic turning into real fear. “I don’t know if that’s what I want anymore.” “I think you need to figure that out. More than one person’s heart could end up broken here. Dax needs support, and I’m concerned you’re caught up in being his savoir. And if you end up working together, too, it adds another layer of complication.” I know all of this. I knew it before I spent the weekend with him, but hearing it from someone else makes it so much more real. And it’s the reason I haven’t said anything until now. “It’s the first time I’ve really connected with another person in a long time. It feels good to be needed by someone, to take care of someone else emotionally and feel like I’m being taken care of, too. Does that make any sense at all?” “Of course it does. You took care of your mom when she was sick, you took care of your dad after she passed, and then he died, too, and you’ve put everything into being the best trust lawyer in the state. Maybe you want to save other families from struggling financially like you have when there’s already emotional turmoil. And now you’re taking on these pro bono custody cases for me. The security thing makes sense, and Dax . . . he’s suffering and you’re familiar with what that looks and feels like. He also represents so many good things from your childhood that you want to hold on to.” I rub my temples. “Are you going to charge me a hundred and fifty dollars for this session?” “You can just get lunch.” Holly laughs but reaches across the table and covers my hand with hers. “Am I wrong?” I consider all the connections she’s made and how I’ve started to put them together recently, too. Making partner has been the goal since my dad passed, a place to focus all my energy, but in doing that I’ve neglected forming new attachments and relationships, at least the kind that can end up hurting me, until now. “You’re not wrong. But it’s not just being a savior, or holding on to good things from my childhood. I care about Dax. And Emme.” Holly takes a different approach. “Okay, so what if things were different. What if making partner wasn’t this thing you felt you needed to do? Would you still be working on trusts? What about family law? Would that be something you’d want to do beyond personal favors for me?” “I consult for you because I want to, it’s not just personal favors.” “But would you want to do it as a job?” Five years ago I would’ve said no, definitely not. The grief of losing my mother lingered, and then after my dad passed, the idea of working on pro bono cases was untenable because I couldn’t afford to. But now it’s different. I have other things in my life to help ease those losses, and two of them are a very recent addition. “Maybe?” I run my finger around the rim of my glass. “Something to consider, isn’t it? That way you could do what you love and have what you want, too.” It sounds so simple, but I know it’s not.