“I thought you were just being nice, like you were trying to make me feel better.” “I haven’t wanted to push you, so I left it alone.” “Ah, fuck.” He presses his lips to my forehead. “I haven’t dealt with this very well, have I?” “I know you’re stressed about the beginning of the season,” I whisper. He fingers the ends of my hair. “I am. It’s more than that, though.” I wait, because of course there’s more. He just has to figure out how to say it. “I’m worried I can’t give you everything you deserve.” I pull away so I can see his face. “What do you mean?” His honey eyes are pained as he takes my hand in his, playing with my fingers. “I don’t know if I can give you what Miller and Sunny have, or Alex and Violet.” “Whoa. That’s a big leap from our current situation. Why would you think that’s something I’m looking for, especially now?” Randy shrugs. “Well, that’s kinda how this works, right? Like, you moved in with me, and eventually I’ll put a ring on your finger, and then we’ll do the family thing.” “The family thing?” Randy blows out a breath. “Like, have kids and stuff.” “This is because of Sunny?” “I don’t know. I guess?” He runs his hands over his thighs. “I mean, with Vi and Alex getting hitched, and now you and Sunny are up to your tits in wedding dress magazines, and there’s all this baby stuff, and then my dad showed up—” “It freaked you out?” He drops his head and nods, peeking up at me from under his lashes. “Can I be honest with you?” I ask. “Yeah. Of course.” “It freaked me out, too.” “Really? But you’re so into this stuff with Sunny.” I pat his cheek. God, I love him. “That’s because it’s not my monkey or my circus. I get to do all the fun stuff, and it’s not my show. Sunny’s so happy and excited, and I’m happy and excited for her. But that doesn’t mean I want the same thing. I’m very content to be her maid of honor and Aunt Lily.” I lace our fingers together. “I hope I haven’t given you the impression that what they have is what I want.” “Well, no, but you’ll want that eventually, right? What if I can’t do it?” “Honestly, Randy, I have no idea what I’m going to want in the future. I do know that getting married doesn’t actually change how two people function in a relationship. Alex and Violet are still weirdos. As for the family thing, I’m only twenty-three. You’re only twenty-five. I have no desire to jump on the baby train with Sunny. I’m more than happy to have that experience from the outside right now.” I pause for a second to gather myself. I’m relieved that this isn’t the discussion I thought it was going to be. “My mom and I struggled a lot financially when I was a kid. We made it through, but at times it sure wasn’t easy being the two of us. I want to make sure I don’t end up in a situation like that again, for any reason. You and I have years to figure things out, and those are decisions we’ll make together, when it’s time to make them. Maybe we’ll get married, maybe we won’t. We’ll see if we want kids at some point. Relationships are about sacrifice and compromise. Sometimes, to have the person you want, you have to give up ideals that are important only because society tells us they are. Does that make sense?” “Yeah, I think so.” “Good.” I put my hands on his shoulders and straddle his lap. “I love you.” His smile is soft. “I love you, too. Sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to be away from you when the season starts. Thinking about it makes me edgy.” “Same.” He smiles. “Why do we always have our important conversations in this truck?” “The same reason we always end up having sex in bathrooms, I guess.” He chuckles at that, but his eyes burn. I kiss him, because those are all the words we need right now, and because I’m so thankful to see that heat.
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