CHAPTER THIRTEEN
"Are you okay?" Damali asked as Carlos came up the deck stairs.
He almost couldn't speak as he stared at her sad eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said quietly. "You okay?"
She smiled. "Must have drank too much wine on an empty stomach last night," she said 'with a weary sigh. "Guess that's what I get for giving you the blues about going out with Yonnie." She chuckled and opened the screen door. "What's that old saying? Judge not lest ye be judged, or People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
"I like the first one," he said, his voice distant. "The biblical version."
She turned and stared at him in the kitchen.
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," Carlos closed his eyes, gathered up her hands and pressed them to his mouth. "Damali, forgive me... I am so sorry, I'll never, ever, betray you like that again. Just don't give up on me."
She slid her hands away from his grasp to wrap her arms around him and pull him in close to her. She found herself stroking his back and beginning to gently sway him in a comforting hug. This was not Carlos. This didn't even sound like him. His ragged breaths were thick like he was trying not to sob. "Baby, what's wrong?"
He shook his head no, and swallowed hard.
"Don't you think betray is an awfully strong word?" she said, trying to reach whatever was torturing his mind.
"Oh, baby, I swear I love you."
Now she was worried. She tried not to stiffen, but every female instinct in her whispered, a man breaking down like this just because he got read for going out with his boy, meant...
Again, he shook his head no. "It's not like that. I should have never gone out with Yonnie, and then things got crazy."
She sighed and rubbed his back harder. "You relapsed, didn't you? Be honest."
He nodded quickly with his head buried against her shoulder. "It was a sip... some of it got in my mouth. It was an accident. It wasn't supposed to go down like that. Girl, I swear to you, I don't want to go back to that life."
"I know, I know," she whispered as he began to sob. "It'll be all right. You came home, your system purged, it's broad daylight and you're still standing, okay?"
"You think... I mean, I can get this out of me, right?"
She held him away from her, summoning an inner strength that came from her very DNA. "You have choices. You had a slip, but you didn't fall." She wiped the dampness away from his face. "Unless it becomes a problem, I'll keep this between me and you; you have to have someone you can trust. Especially now, with every Guardian's judgment impaired. It's me and you, one unit."
He covered her hand with his and stared at her through wet lashes. "Damali, get this out of me. Baby, I'm scared."
For a moment, she didn't know what to say to him. True terror filled his eyes, and it was the first time in her life that she'd heard Carlos Rivera tell her anything like that.
"I got your back," she said firmly. "No more slips, you feel shaky, you come to me and we'll ride it out together. Cool?"
Again, he nodded quickly, and blew out a long breath. "I was afraid that I might not even be able to pray after..." his voice trailed off and he sighed again. "After things went down."
"How bad was it really?" she asked, gently probing for critical information. When he looked away, she touched the side of his face. "Carlos, look at me. Was it from a throat or a cup or a bottle? Talk to me?"
"It wasn't from a throat," he said on a heavy exhale. "I didn't hurt anyone but myself." He looked away from her after the admission. "Rider was right, so were the others. Smelling the deer blood messed me up, and I was on the edge."
She let her breath out hard and kept her voice firm but her gaze gentle. Her squad was still on-point, contagion notwithstanding. Clearly, so was she. But seeing this broke her heart. This had to be what she'd been visioning, feeling, dreading for months - not just the portal problem. It was time, also, to change the people, places, and things that could lead him to relapse, but she couldn't drop that responsibility at Yonnie and Tara's feet. In an odd way, they were also family.
"Carlos, I'm not preaching, but I want to tell you what I know. All right?"
"Yeah, baby, anything you know that can help me kill this side of my nature. Go 'head."
"First of all, this blood thirst is not in your nature, it was acquired, like a virus. Remember that always. It is alien to your God-spirit, and you must separate it from the true light within you." She thrust her chin up, her eyes blazing with righteous determination. "You were chosen to be a Neteru. A Neteru is not perfect; there is only One Supreme Being that owns perfection. However, a Neteru is the vanguard of justice."
She placed her hand over his heart and splayed her fingers over his scar. "A Neteru must be strong, is not to be sequestered from the world at large, but has to have the inner strength to stay on the path and to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and fear no evil... has to be able to dig deep within to summon the courage to do the right thing always, to walk where angels fear to tread, and go down into Hell, if necessary to free the innocent
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